A Little Humor On The Side

I’m getting some stuff ready to post tomorrow, on the little social experiment that friends helped me with earlier in the month. In the meantime, my dad sent this to me again. It’s a bit many have already read, but those that haven’t can now. Those that have already read it, it’s still funny.  I’d love to credit it to someone, but I couldn’t find where it started (if you know and have proof, let me know so I can give proper credit, please):

The Chili Contest

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy ****, what the **** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.  Superb.

Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.  Not sure if he’s going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 No Report

About Curt McAdams

I guess I'm a bit of a foodie, learning to cook from my mom, then getting obsessed with outdoor cooking, competition barbecue, bread baking and just about all things food. Lately, I've been trying to upgrade my photography skills a bit, though I still have a long way to go.

No comments

  1. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m laughing so hard right now!!! It’s midnite and everyone else in the house is asleep but me, and I’m just busting out laughing!
    Oh my, my stomach hurts now!!!
    Laura

  2. Laura, I’m glad you got a kick out of it. I’ve read it several times, and I always find it funny.

  3. Amen! this is very funny.

    I remember when we first moved to Texas we went to something called the Chilimpiad or some such.

    It consisted of a bunch of chili cooking teams under their tents nestled in a forest of mesquite trees out in the middle absolutely no where.

    Moving from Iowa and used to the Iowa Cattle Congress, I was astonished at how different this was from anything I had experienced before. Most of the chili was too hot for me (remember, I am Colombian American, Colombian food is NOT spicy).

    The biggest thing I learned that day was the REAL chili has exactly zero beans.

    I can agree with that. I do not like chili tho, just cant get past the cooked tomato and powered chili paste kind of acidity that tends to hover and burn in my nose.

  4. Nika, the ‘no beans’ part is something I’ve been in agreement with for years. Here in Ohio, most think chili is ground beef with loads of beans. Then there’s Skyline (Cincinnati chili), which is a different animal, and beans are optional (I don’t option for them, but love Skyline).

    There are a lot of chilis that don’t have tomatos for a base or use a load of chili powder. Powdered chiles can be very different, and not all are hot or too acidic. Try a pork chili with a tomatillo base instead.

  5. I have endless tomatillos right now.. maybe I will make some pork tomatillo chili.. sounds great!

  6. Yeah, I laugh every time I read that. But I have to object to you saying that “Frank” was from “Springfield, IL”. Trust me, not a chance.

    As Springfield (and nearby neighbor Taylorville) have proven time and time again in national cook-offs, Chili (or chilli as some people say) Illinois has some of the best Chili anywhere, including Texas. Heat isn’t something we lack either. People who eat Thai food at Hot have trouble with our hottest Chili.

    There is no way Frank was a native from Springfield, IL. Probably an import from a wussy state, like Indiana.

  7. Jeff, I take no credit for any of the words there. Frank could very well have been an import from Terre Haute or Bloomington… Use that if it helps. :)

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